Enough Credit Crunch Already!!!!

BEAT THE CREDIT CRUNCH - ORDER YOUR SUMMER BBQ NOW!
AVOID THE CREDIT CRUNCH - FLY TO SPAIN!
EASE YOUR CREDIT CRUNCH WOES - EAT SOME MARMITE!

It's getting ridiculous. Come on people, we know times are tough, but focussing on people's insecurities to make them buy stuff just feels sneaky and underhanded.

And why is it that my supermarket is littered with hundreds of "buy one, get one free" offers but almost nothing for half price. I don't need a second bottle of Head and Shoulders. For my slap headed noggin, one bottle will last well into the next time something cheery happens in Eastenders, and that's a bloody long time.

Then there's your budget supermarkets. Can you believe that there are still some people who believe that there is a greater stigma attached to shopping at Lidl than there is to being skint? I don't shop at Lidl, but it's only because they only ever seem to have one cashier serving 57 people, which means that most of my food will have hit its sell by date long before I get home.

So how does all of this relate to promotional merchandise? (Meena, you can stop reading now - yes it's true, my colleague will only read up to the point where I start talking about work and then she switches off. Be fair though, she is very small).

The problem is that more and more of our customers are becoming price sensitive. Creativity, loyalty and good service seem to have all taken a back seat to low low prices. It's understandable, but surely the smart companies out there need and want a little more from their providers.

I don't want to become the Lidl of the merchandising world. When it comes to service, you really do get what you pay for. Sure, there is no merchandise I can get you that other companies can't, but some of them will give you a catalogue and ask you to pick what you like. That hardly seems fair - they want you to do half the work but are they going to give you half their salary?

When this credit crunch ends and we all look back and laugh, the companies that invested wisely in their people will be the ones that are still around. They won't be scratching their heads wondering where the hell all the money went.

So here is a little test for you. Say this sentence to yourself. "People will always need....." and insert what it is you do at the end. Is it true? For the initiated amongst you, the answer should be a resounding yes. So now say this one - "People will always need MY........" same reaction? If not, you're not thinking about yourself in a positive light, and I'd be prepared to bet a week's worth of Lidl groceries (£2.65) that you're not marketing yourself properly either.

So put that catalogue down and stop looking for the cheapest item you can get with the lowest minimum order quantity. I'll save you some time. The lowest minimum order quantity is none - if you don't want them, don't buy them. Guess what the cheapest price is...that's right - zero, and for all the same reasons. If you want some really great idea to help you market yourselves in times of trouble then just pick up the phone or drop me a line. I'm here to give you a Harrods quality service at an Aldi price.

You see, you don't need to just survive the credit crunch, you need to make your business grow and thrive. But then, wasn't that always the case anyway?

The C Word

I was told last week that my blogs are getting a little bit lengthy. What I find amazing is that they take less than four minutes to read. Now if you genuinely don't have a spare four minutes in your working week to be gently entertained and educated, you really need to hire some more people. Screw the credit crunch - if you're too busy to enjoy yourself then that's just plain wrong.

This week I want to talk about the C word. A dirty word that's being used in more and more offices around the world. A word that makes most people wince and some others angry. A word that has been inflicted upon us in times of strife. A word so evil in it's inception that to utter it is surely to open the gates of hell itself (mwa ha ha ha ha evil laugh....)

The word is.....CONSULTANT.

You know the sort, the well suited, big smiled, slick haired bloke who spends weeks in your office interviewing all the staff to try and work out where your business is going wrong, charges you a ridiculous fee and then proceeds to tell you all the stuff that you already know.

One of my clients recently had a report from a consultant advising them that if they got their products to market faster, that they could sell them sooner and then make more money quickly - GENIUS! My son is 7 months old and even he could have put that report together - obviously I would have had to have typed it up for him, his hands are too small to do any serious keyboard work, but you get the idea.

More and more people are changing their title to consultant. Recruitment Consultants, Travel Consultants, pretty soon it won't be long before we're all being served by Burger Consultants, charging us a fee for recommending the use of fries and a milkshake.

It's all out of control and what is worse, we're missing the obvious trick. We are, in fact, ALL consultants. If someone comes to you with a question or a problem, then they are consulting with you. Surely there are still some people in the world who are happy to dispense their advice for free?

My business card has me down as an Account Manager. I prefer to think of myself as a marketing consultant, but that title brings up some negative feeling. I know that I have created campaigns and slogans that certain marketing consultants will have charged tens of thousands of pounds for, and I did it all for free. Why? Because good advice yields its own rewards. Those clients did buy merchandise from me and a great relationship was formed - everybody won and I was happy to provide a consultation to my clients.

This is the thing I cannot get my head around. Week on week my company offers free marketing consultations to companies around the world, and yet many of them are simply not interested. Did I mention it was free? We're talking about a company who advise the number one Superbrand in the world and we're offering you the same level of advice for free and you don't want it?

By all means, call up some marketing consultant firm with a swanky website and ask them to come in. If you're lucky, maybe they won't charge you ten grand to tell you that the best way to make more money is to sell more stuff.

My name is Paul, and I am a consultant. It's not always a dirty word.

What Price Confidence?

Have you ever spent your time looking at just how many blogs there are out there? It seems that every gun carrying, pinball playing, mac loving, tv hating, cake eating, hair losing, merchandise printing nutter can put his opinion on the web and share it with the world. With this in mind, I'd like to thank you for taking the few precious minutes out of your day to enjoy the random musings of the safari park that is my brain.

So to the title of this week's blog - what price confidence? Well if you're clever, you can actually set that price at around 25p. Now of course 25p won't get you that much confidence - perhaps enough to offer to buy someone a drink but you're still going home alone. Spend a little more and you too could go from dud to stud, or in the case of the ladies - drag to.....well you get the idea.

At this point you clearly must be wondering what I have taken this morning. Well, they do say Omega 3 capsules are good for the brain, but I don't think they class as mind altering drugs.

No, I'm talking about merchandise (surprise surprise). Now those of you who know me will know that I don't believe in using gifts to close sales. Many companies like to give their sales people gifts to take out to meetings - a little trinket to leave behind to thank the prospect for their time. Sadly, there are some companies who don't use these gifts wisely - they treat them almost as if they were some sort of bribe and it's just so unnecessary.

If you have a sales person on your team who believes that the difference between closing a sale and not is whether or not he leaves a nice mug behind then there's more than one mug at that meeting. (See what I did there - I mean, that's actually quite clever isn't it? Do you know I'm making this stuff up as I am going along? Seriously, this blogging is a laugh - you should try it. I'll read yours too and then we can each think of ourselves as writers with an audience and celebrate over champagne and cucumber sandwiches - lovely).

This week I met with a company who told me that the sales in one office increased by 13% once their staff had gifts to leave with customers. The key here is that the gift, in and of itself, is not actually important here. What is important is that the sales people did have something that they could leave behind.

Sales are a tricky business. In many cases the days can be quite soul destroying - rejection after rejection. Your heart really does have to go out to those poor people sitting in a call centre in Bangladesh phoning to offer you a cheaper phone service. Actually, no it doesn't, I'm in the middle of my bloody dinner! And another thing - if you are genuinely from BT and offering me a cheaper service and I don't have to pay anything, why don't you just switch me on to that? Surely noone would actually say no to that would they? AHA!!! So you're not actually from BT after all are you then, and don't go telling me that your name is Mandy when it's perfectly clear that your name has probably got more syllables in it than that station in Wales.

Right, sorry. Sales. So how do we get that bit of confidence I was talking about? Well put yourself in the shoes of the sales person (size 9 if you're interested). You're going to visit 5 potential clients today. Some of them will say yes, some of them will say no and some of them will tell you that they want time to think about it. Now of all of those responses, you've only a 1 in 3 chance of leaving with a truly positive result. Now let that roll around in your head just before you start the meeting and think what your body language might be like.....exactly, your confidence may well be a little low.

Now picture this. Regardless of the outcome, you know that you're going to be leaving a really nice gift behind when you leave. You have a very very strong chance of leaving a good impression behind because you will be giving that prospect a warm and fuzzy feeling and that's the last thing he remembers. How's your body language now? See? You know you're leaving on a positive note and your confidence increases as a result.

If you're not sure, try this simple exercise. Think about something that you want from a colleague - a favour - and go and ask them knowing full well that they will say no to you. Look at how you approach them. Now, then think of a fairly unreasonable request and go and make it knowing full well that the person will say yes. It's just a bit of fun but you'll be amazed at the results.

I hope you can see now why it is a good idea for your sales force to be armed with some gifts to leave behind. You're not bribing customers, you're investing in your staff, and surely that's worth at least 25p.

Do you want fries with that?

The selling of extras - we've all been there and, in many cases, we've been happy to hand over our money. Some extras make good sense - let's face it, a Big Mac without fries is like a night without stars. The reason we don't get wound up by being asked is that we expect it, but more and more, we are getting offered (and by offered I mean sold) things that we didn't come in for. Allow me to elaborate.

My wife went into the Post Office last week to sort out her car tax. It's not a complicated procedure - hand over documents, hand over money, receive tax disc, cheery smile, exit. The whole thing should take about three minutes, not allowing for the one hour queue that preceded it, accompanied by that lovely woman exclaiming "cashier number one please". There is only one cashier - sure you've got six counters there, but they're usually always closed - AAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!

So, back to the car tax. We've given over the documents and money and so all we need now is the disc and we can go right? WRONG! "Mrs Rose," begins our postal operative, "can I ask who your home contents insurance is with?" Are you thinking what I'm thinking? "NO! NO YOU BLOODY CANNOT ASK ME WHO MY HOME CONTENTS INSURANCE IS WITH. I CAME IN FOR A TAX DISC, I'VE BEEN STOOD IN THAT QUEUE FOR A WHOLE HOUR AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS GET THE HELL OUT. GIVE ME MY DISC AND I MEAN NOW!!!!!!!!"

Being the much calmer member of my family, my wife just offered them a reserved "No thank you" and went on about her day.

And I bet there are those amongst you who are sick to the back teeth of being offered mortgage reviews, financial reviews and personal banking services every time you go in just to pay a cheque. I know my bank offers mortgages, ALL banks do mortgages, but I already got mine sorted. Don't offer me an appointment with a personal banking manager - I've been with your bank for twenty years and I have never once taken you up on the offer, and given that I have not taken a sharp blow to my skull in the last week, I am not about to start seeing him now.

Is there anything that you can't buy from Tesco these days? Food, clothes, a telephone service, broadband, home insurance, a pension, a mortgage. Any day now Madonna won't have to nip over to Africa to pick up a baby - they'll be on aisle 16 next to the pet food.

With more and more companies offering more and more services, the market has become over crowded. I want to do my banking at a bank - not at a supermarket. I want to get my insurance from a reputable insurance company - not the post office. What we are losing sight of are specialists, because despite all of these wonderful services being offered by everyone, most people still prefer to deal with an expert.

Here at Merchandise Mania, we've often struggled to explain to people that when it comes to branding, we really can do anything that they want. The trap we fall into is being thought of as a Jack of all trades, and yet a master of none, and this simply is not the case.

So how do we overcome this obvious obstacle? It's actually very simple. Even though we have access to over a million products worldwide, we choose to align ourselves with specialists. There are hundreds of people that we can go to for, say, a USB memory stick, but we choose to stick with the people that we know and, more importantly, trust. We do "audition" new factories on a regular basis - if someone is offering a cheaper product of the same quality, we'd be foolish not to look into it so that we can pass the savings on to you. However, if we get some random email from a factory offering to do a little bit of everything, we just don't even bother reading it.

Now of course we're going to offer you extras - the nice pen to go with the pad, the lanyard to go with the USB stick, and so on, but it's only because experience tells us that many people want to have their hands held - to be shown what else is available and to make an informed decision. Of course, if you don't feel you need them, that's absolutely fine - we don't believe in pressure here and we really hate to be thought of as "sales people" with the negative feelings that seem to be associated with the term. We are advisors, and we'd like to think that you trust our advice - it's free, so please do help yourself.

For this week's competition you will need a cheque (cash will also work), a bank account and a stop watch. Go in to pay in some money into your account and see how quickly you can get out. Send in your times and the best one will win a 1Gb USB memory stick.

Now we're into October we're really starting to think about Christmas. If you did do something for Christmas last year then tell us about it now. If the decision has not been made as to whether you are to do something this year then that is something that you need to look at sooner rather than later. We've got a great array of gift ideas ready and waiting for you, and we promise we won't try and sell you any home contents insurance, telephone services or African babies.

Share The Love - Save The Cash

All of my colleagues are bugging me for a special mention in my blog. For some reason they have likened this page to some sort of pirate radio station that plays house and garage music whilst some seventeen year old muppet shouts out the names of his friends with his mouth so close to the microphone that you can actually hear what he had for breakfast. So for those people – “BIG SHOUT OUT TO THE MANIA MASSIVE – MEENA THE MUNCHKIN, BIG DAVY DAVE, LISA THE LUSH AND THE PINK PRINCESS SOPHIA G – WORD UP AND NUFF RESPECT!”

Can I get on with it now please? Thank you.

Let me ask you a question. How are you? OK, that wasn’t it, but I think it’s important that you’re relaxed when you read these. I’m trying to be your friend here but I’m starting to feel that we never seem to talk about you.

Right! Enough of that, now let me ask you the real question. Do you do ALL of the buying of promotional merchandise in your company? There’s really only a handful of people who can say yes to that. In fact, the bigger your company, the more people there that are likely to be purchasing materials. Do all of their decisions go through you? What’s more, do all of their decisions get shared with each other?

The answer is usually a resounding no, and these people are all missing a trick. It’s an obvious one and every time I share it with people they nod in understanding, but these same people are wasting hundreds of thousands of pounds every year.

“But this is a disaster!” I hear you cry – actually you probably cried something that sounded a little less like a bad actor in a 1950’s disaster movie, running away from a 400 foot dinosaur as it rampaged through the streets of New York. I imagine some of you will have used rude words too, but I can’t print those. But you’re right – it is a disaster and in this current economic climate (or Operation “Please Kill Me Now” as the Government have labelled it) – it’s just plain stupid as well.

Sharing your purchasing decisions throughout the entire organisation just makes good sense. Like the good little students that you all are, you need an example, so here we go:

Let’s say that John in Marketing is looking to order 5000 pens (yes, I said pens, we all know how I feel about pens but I have to use something here). Now, unbeknownst to him (unbeknownst? What is this – Shakespeare?) Jane over in Human Resources also wants 5000 pens for her department. On top of that, neither John nor Jane know that Kevin up in the Manchester office is also looking for 5000 pens. Now let’s be clear – it’s not like John and Jane don’t speak with each other, but when was the last time you stood around the coffee machine chatting about pens? Really? As recent as that? That’s quite sad. Perhaps you need to watch some telly or go out?.....but I digress.

So each of them gets a quote and places an order. Each pen at the 5000 rate costs them 25p. So the company has committed a total spend on these pens of £3,750. However, had they ordered all 15K in one go, the unit cost would have dropped to 20p, thus saving the firm £750. To make matters worse, the first that any of them is going to hear about it is when Valerie in Accounts (you know Valerie – red hair, likes dogs, one leg shorter than the other) challenges three separate departments on why they are wasting money.

Now I know what some of you are thinking – no, not that – the other thing – what if each department had wanted different artwork or a different coloured pen. It’s not a problem, which does still come as a surprise to many of our customers. We’re talking about buying in bulk here, and most suppliers will allow you to mix and match colours and artworks within one order, as long as the actual product does not change.

So how do we put this into action? It’s simple – get together a list of all of the people in your company who buy merchandise. Set them up as an email group and every time you’re going to ask for a quote, simply tell them all about it and ask if anyone else would like to jump in and increase your buying power.

We can manage those lists for you here if you’d like, but we would need to know that everyone on the list had given permission to share the information.

Now my little example here saved the company only £750. I can site real examples where clients have saved thousands. Why don’t we run a competition to see which one of you can save the most. The winner gets the recognition and appreciation of his employers, which is worth a lot more than the pen that I would send you as a prize.

Today’s blog was typed in front of a live studio audience.

I want something new and different......

I've just come back from a three day exhibition at the NEC in Birmingham. When I say "just", I do mean that I have literally just driven the 100 miles, ran into the office and started writing this blog to honour my committment to writing every Thursday. And so to my loyal readers - both of you - hello.

The title of this blog is something I have heard over and over again for the last three days. It's what everyone is looking for in their next promotional campaign. "Show me something new and different", they say, and my response is always the same. "Tell me what you call old and ordinary". Now this might seem like a smart arsed response (have you met me? they're all I ever use) but actually I am not trying to be controversial here. What you need to understand is that I see this stuff every day. To someone, a pen that dispenses Post It Notes might well be the most incredible thing they've seen. In which case, they really do need to get out more.

To cut a long story short (too late) please don't ask us for something new and different. We don't know you. We don't know what impresses you. We DO know that we can impress you, but shoving some new piece of kit under your nose and waiting for a reaction is not the way to do it. Of course you will get a reation if you shove anything under someone's nose - it's just not necessarily the best way to win a new client.

Then there's the second problem. Once you've asked for this new and interesting thing that can not only tell you the time in 30 countries, end global warming and still have time to nip down the road and pick you up a doner kebab at midnight - which you want pantone matched and delivered by next Wednesday. Oh no! What do you do then? You ask us for a catalogue - AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

How can you produce a catalogue of new and interesting things? Once everyone has got the same catalogue, nothing in there is either new or interesting. Do you see the irony here folks. DO YOU? REALLY?

A catalogue is a calling card. It's a way to let you know that we have a good range of merchandise in which you may well be interested. That's all it is. A good 60% of the items that we sell in any given year were not in the catalogue or on our website. Someone in our team had a good idea and then sourced the appropriate merchandise. We went for the WOW factor. It may not have been new and different for you, but it was new and different for them, and we only knew that because we had already taken the time to find out what they though was old and ordinary.

So the moral of the story? Asking for something different makes you just like everybody else.

A short blog this week because - and if you've ever worked at an exhibition you'll appreciate this - I am exhausted and I want to go home.

Have a good week in business and always remember............no sorry, I forgot.

The Elevator Speech

A few months ago I was sat in a meeting here when we all tried to come up with an elevator speech. Now this is an American term and it's nothing to do with speeches to elevate you. No, it's much simpler than that.

The idea is this - you get onto an elevator (I want to say "lift", I really do, but then I have to rename the whole thing and that's a whole other kettle of fish. Incidentally, who prepares fish in a kettle? Exactly - it makes no sense at all.) and you find yourself face to face with the Chief Big Kahuna of the biggest potential client you can think of - it's Richard Branson, Bill Gates and Alan Sugar all roled into one - you may have your own icons, but those are some of mine.

Now, you've got the time it takes from the closing of the elevator doors to the time Mr Fatwallet gets to his floor to impress upon him what you do, why you're special and most importantly, why his company should be doing business with yours.

To make this challenge fair, we allocate thirty seconds for the whole thing - people like this tend to head for the top floor anyway. So do you have an elevator speech? Have you ever tried it on anyone and what was the result?

Reasonable questions I'm sure but actually, in the world of exhibitions, thirty seconds is a lifetime. How long do you think you have to make a good impression at a trade show? The answer is 8.3 seconds. It's the same amount of time for the female of the species to size up a potential mate. In 8.3 seconds the deal is either won or lost.

Now you can't deliver an 8 second pitch with .3 seconds for questions so how do you make that first impression? Simple - be different. Be bold but for heaven's sake, don't be tacky. There was a time when having a member of your staff standing at the front with a flashing yoyo was all the rage - but that time is over. Flashing yoyos are so last millennium. Same goes for bouncing balls and sunflowers that dance to music - been there, done that, picked up the complimentary T-shirt.

Not only are these ideas old and tired, what's worse is that they're not relevant. If your company is using a slogan about things "bouncing back" then OK, the ball makes sense. But if you're trying to become market leaders in the world of agricultural technology, what message does that ball send? I'll tell you - it says "we came to a trade show, we hope you'll come and talk to us and if we're really lucky, you'll remember us after you leave". WOW! Strong stuff indeed - remind me to pick up my complimentary frisbee on the way out - it'll look great on my Financial Director's wall!

Times are tight. We know that. So if you're going to spend less money then take the time to spend it wisely. You don't HAVE to give a gift at a trade show if all you're planning on doing is handing out 10p pencils to everyone who walks by. That's not marketing - it's charity, and you can do better than that.

So Mr Alan Branson-Gates has walked up to your stand and has seen some interesting product and has already been offered an intriguing gift. We're up to 8.2 seconds when he says "That's very kind thank you.....so what does your company do?" BINGO - get your sales cap on, throw your brain into 5th gear, rev the engine and LET'S ROCK!!!!!

You see? Targetted, relevant merchandise is what you need to be thinking about. You don't have time to be flipping through catalogues hoping to see something vaguely interesting and quite frankly, there really is no reason why you should.

Stop what you're doing, take a deep breath, grab yourself a coffee and let's start again. List these things:

1. What is the exhibition I am attending?
2. What is the theme of my stand?
3. If I had to sum up what makes me special in 8 seconds, what would I say?
4. Who is coming to this exhibition?
5. Who do I REALLY want to meet there?

If you were able to answer all of those in under a minute, the chances are that you rushed it. That's fine, we're all busy people but come on, you've spent some serious money on this stand haven't you? The space, the artwork, transportation, not to mention the time you and your team are going to have away from the office - it all adds up. You need to think about this, actually that's not quite right - WE need to think about this. What you need is a partner - someone to act as a sounding board for your answers to tell you if your message really works.

Well the good news is that you've got one. And the really good news is that he'll do it all for FREE! That's right - zilch, nada, diddley squat, zip. Is this person mental? I think we all know the answer to that one, but the truth is that he just flat out loves helping people come up with good ideas. OK, enough of referring to myself in the third person. I live for this stuff - for the chance to help you grab Alan Sugar by the throat as he walks past you and scream "Sugar - you're hired!"

So email me your lists, along with the date of the event in question, and we'll start hammering out a plan of action that will make you proud of your stand.

Next week, Merchandise Mania are exhibiting at the National Incentive Show at the NEC Birmingham. We're on stand E60 and our stand will have you talking to us for much more than a few seconds. There's a chance to win a digital photo frame, get a free marketing consultation and even get an autographed copy of this blog - please print it out and bring it with you, I'll bring the pens and who knows, maybe I'll even let you keep one.

The show is on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 10am to 5pm (4pm Thursday) and we look forward to seeing you there. Mention this blog and win a bonus prize.