We've Got Experience

You know what really winds me up? You should - I find at least one new thing to moan about on a weekly basis. No, I'm not talking about the X Factor, the price of petrol or the fact that my local Tesco now employs people to stand at the front of the store with microphones shouting special offers at me as I walk in.

No, what winds me up is lines like this - "We've got over 100 years' experience in this industry", when what they actually mean is that there are 25 people working there and they've even factored in the work experience girl who's been there for 2 weeks. She's only making tea, but bloody hell it's a good cuppa. What's worse, people who tell you that they were "Established in 1965" - so what? Lot's of things happened in 1965, why should the fact that you decided to start a business affect my decision to work with you.

Of course we all know why they do it. It's to work on the basic principle that if they have not gone out of business that they must be good. Sure, there may be some truth to that, but why is it that we find ourselves thinking that the default position of any business is to eventually close down?

And why is collective experience used as a statistic? I could easily tell you that Merchandise Mania has over sixty years of experience but it's crap. We've got a big team and we've got experience ranging from 1 year to 15.

Surely the only real measure of a company is how good they are RIGHT NOW. In the current market, a firm's ability really is on show. If they can give their customers what they need in this climate, then they're ready for anything, and there are people who have been in business for less than a year who will fall into that category.

The moral of the story? If you're putting some marketing literature together - Don't open with how long you've been in business, it's not interesting. Tell me what you can do for me right here and right now. Your capabilities should speak for themselves and if they don't, perhaps you should consider consulting with a marketing agency who will help crystallise your message for you.

Give us a call, we've been around since 2000 and I personally have 38 years' experience (of being alive).

This year, Christmas falls on the 25th of December

Wow! A sarcastic title. That's not like me at all is it? It seems however, that for many people, this piece of valuable information comes as a bit of a surprise.

It's not uncommon in the retail world, plenty of people choose to do their Christmas shopping around 5pm on the 23rd of December and yet still find themselves moaning at the endless queues, overworked staff and the fact that there's only one decent Scalectrix left on the shelves to be fought over by twenty dads, and we all know they only really want it for themselves anyway don't we?

Is it all just down to poor memory? Do they suddenly wake up on the day before Christmas Eve and remember that, not only do they have kids, but that Santa Claus has never actually been proven to exist (sorry kids, but if you're old enough to read this blog, you're old enough to know the truth - Santa is nothing more than a corporate puppet - a marketing tool - a media whore, if you will)?

No, let's be a little more charitable to these people. It's just bad planning, The problem is that lastminute.com used to just be a website, but it evolved into a state of mind. Maybe it was the other way around though - if we all did plan ahead properly, there wouldn't be any last minute deals would there?

Now what did you do last Christmas? Did you send cards? Did you donate the money to charity? Did you give your staff and customers gifts or did you simply cry "Bah humbug" and chuck half a lump of extra coal in the fire on Christmas Eve? In which case, why are you still heating your offices with coal fires? This is the 21st century you know.

Whatever you did, are you PLANNING on doing it again? A lot of companies like to measure the effectiveness of their Christmas plans, but surely that only needs to take you up to April - six months will offer you more than a decent indication of whether or not something is working.

Therefore, our busiest period for Christmas merchandise should be around April and May, but sadly it is still November - a time when people want all of us magical little elves to turn 4 week lead times into 4 days and have manufacturers lower their prices despite the fact that demand has doubled. Frankly if you believe any of that is possible, then I imagine a belief in Father Christmas is really not that much of a stretch for you.

Oh! So that's the problem - everyone's clinging to their inner delusional five year old! That's alright then, just put your feet up and let's see if 500 diaries magically find their way under your tree.

So please grab your 2009 diary (what do you mean you haven't got one yet?) and make a note in April to organise your Christmas merchandise, otherwise you'll have to remember the words of that famous poem:

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Because they were all down at Tesco....

crapping themselves with worry.

The G in morning is not silent

OK, OK, I'm a day late and I'm sorry. I've been laid up in bed with some virus and to make matters worse my 7 month old, Felix, has it as well. And if you think I can moan when I'm ill, imagine what my offspring is capable of! Sleep deprived and with a throat that feels like I've just eaten a ball of wool wrapped in sandpaper, I'm still here to unleash my anger on the world.

And so the title of this week's rant. The G in morning is not silent. Nor is it silent in the word calling or meeting. For some reason however, there seems to be an entire generation of people who think that it is. You know who I'm talking about. You call up a company with a solid reputation and some hooped earring Chavette who is more interested in the X Factor than her job shrieks down the phone at you with a voice so shrill that all the dogs in the neighbourhood start howling.

"Good mornin'" they cry. You respond in a professional tone "Good morninG, may I please speak with so and so? "E's in a meetin' right now, who's callin'"

AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!! Die Die Die you horrible little person! You're killing the English language. You're the icon of everything I hate about the world.

Have you been there? I bet you have. Now I don't mind so much when I'm phoning to order a pizza from Domino's but these are people answering the phones in City firms - the sorts of places where a certain standard is expected and yet is clearly being overlooked.

Don't get me wrong. Language evolves - I get that. I mean why do you think it's so hard to understand Shakespeare? But the use of proper English need not be thought of as an art form. Language can be truly beautiful, and the spoken word shouldn't grate. Do I sound a bit like Henry Higgins from My Fair Lady? Well then By George, I think you've got it!

The people to whom I am referring often create the first impression that any potential customers have of their company. They are just as representative of the image of the firm as their logo or annual reports, and yet this seems to be an area where their employers will so quickly gloss over the cracks.

Is the same true of their marketing department? It can be. How often do we get people calling us to ask us for pens and mugs? Too often. I've said it before and I'll say it again - don't buy merchandise just for the sake of it. This is your company's image we're talking about. Is it really a good idea for a bank to give out a stress toy? What's the message - if you bank with us you'll have even more stress so you might need to squeeze this? WRONG WRONG WRONG!

They say you never get a second chance to make a first impression. When a company rebrands or even goes to market themselves for the first time, they really need to keep this in mind. If you fail to impress your potential customers from the moment they hear about you, you may never win their business.

So this week, please think about your image. If you were approaching your company for the first time, what would you be thinking of them? Is it the image you want?

If you're not happy with the answers, please let us help you. If you are, then let us help you feel even better about your image.

Once again just a chance to remind you that I am running in the Marathon next year and need sponsors. Please go to www.justgiving.com/pjrose and help me out.

How much is your time worth?

When was the last time you actually worked out your true value to your company? I'm not talking about the fact that you make the best cup of tea or always bring in cakes on your birthday (it was mine on Tuesday, and I brought in loads of cake) - I'm talking about your value in pounds and pence.

A lot of people have no idea what they're worth so let me see if I can help. It's easiest for sales people to work this out so we'll use them as an example. Write down your annual target. Now divide that by 12. Now divide that figure by 4 and then divide that new figure by 40. What you have there is your hourly rate. If you started your own business tomorrow and charged by the hour - that's what you would charge.

How did that figure make you feel? Mine actually makes me feel pretty good. In my best year I was worth over £350 per hour. Now don't get me wrong - I personally didn't earn that much. If I did, I'm pretty sure this blog would not exist, well it probably would, but it would just be pictures of me flying my helicopter (at least now you know what I want for Christmas).

OK, so let's take a more modest figure of £250 per hour - that's what your time is worth to both you and your company. With that in mind, let's go shopping for some merchandise shall we? (Oh come on, it'll be fun, and if you behave I'll get you an ice cream).

So you're after some pens and you've got in your first quote and it seems pretty good. The total price is £1500. You're happy, but you think it's probably a good idea to go and get a few more quotes. So you start trawling through all of the catalogues that you kept on a shelf (people actually do that? I just thought you were all being polite. We just figured you put them straight in the bin, so thanks to those of you who don't) and you call up two more companies to ask them for a quote.

There's good news - the second quote comes in at the same price as the first one but then the third quote comes in and their total price is £1400. SCORE! Do you then order from the third company? Of course not! That would be sheer lunacy! No - you phone back the first and second company and tell them that you've had a better quote. They then go away and come back and beat the figure and after all of this back and forth, you've got the total price down to £1350 and you then place your order.

Well done! The whole process took two hours and therefore effectively cost you £500, and all so that you could save.....wait for it.....wait longer.....yup, you got it - £150. Fantastic!

The moral of the story? There's nothing wrong with shopping around, but do you know I've actually been having conversations with people who need me to take my prices down by pennies? They're looking at spending over £10,000 on marketing but they're negotiating over that last £40. Are times really so tight that we need to waste hundreds of hours and thousands of pounds to try and "save" money?

So by all means shop, but if you find yourself in a good relationship with your supplier then stick with it. Unless they're not me, in which case we really do need to talk. You didn't go with them because they were cheapest - they had something more and you believed it was worth paying for, and unless they really have let go of their enthusiasm, that quality is still there.

Now for those of you who do find yourself with a spare £10 - I have just been awarded a place in the 2009 Flora London Marathon. I'm running on behalf of Tommy's -The Baby Charity, and I need to raise £2500 for them. Please go to www.justgiving.com/pjrose and sponsor me as much as you can.

Have a good week in business, and let's see if we can all get our hourly rates up to truly offensive levels.