STOP BEING SO F*&!*NG POLITE!

I’m a salesman. It’s what I do. When I’m not writing blogs or coming up with new ideas for my clients, I am on the telephone, trying my best to introduce Merchandise Mania to as many new clients as I can.

Now don’t get me wrong, if I had so many briefs to fill that I didn’t get a moment to myself, then new business development would be the first thing I would drop. As much as I love cold calling – and strangely enough, I really do, our first priority here is to give a top flight service to our customers, and that is never going to change.

Sadly for me, I don’t have an endless stream of briefs on which to work. In the current economic climate I’m getting more and more excited about selling pens. ME! And you know how I feel about pens. If you don’t please refer to some of the earlier blogs here or buy a copy of my latest book “Pens – What’s The Big Fricking Deal?” available from all imaginary bookshops.

And so it is that I return the world of cold calling. Now as I have said, I actually enjoy it. There’s a certain joy to striking up a rapport with a complete stranger over the telephone, using nothing but your wits to guide them round to your way of thinking. Naturally, it’s fun when it works out that way, and the potential for the next call to be just the one you want slightly takes the edge off of the 20 previous people who told you that they were not interested.

But then you get the polite ones. Oh no, I’m not talking about the ones who say “thank you” right after they’ve told you to go away. No. There’s a breed of people much, MUCH worse than that. A group so malevolent that there are still some nights that I wake up screaming. Vietnam was nothing compared to having to deal with this lot – they are pure, crystallised evil, and they may well be working right next to you. (Hey, wouldn’t it have been cool if some spooky music had come on just as you’d started reading that bit? I mean, it would be extra spooky because how would it know when to start? I don’t know how fast a reader you are do I? Still, it would have been cool.)

How can you spot them? It’s easy. Their response to a cold call goes something like this – “Well we don’t buy any merchandise but if you’d like to send me a catalogue we’ll keep it on file.” AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! That’s worse than dropping the G in “morning” (see the blog from 3 weeks ago).

These people mean well – they do, but they are MORONS! It costs me money to print my catalogue. It costs me money to store my catalogue and it costs me money to send my catalogue out. You have just told me that you DON’T buy merchandise which begs the almost obvious question that everyone reading this must now be shouting at their screen…..”WHAT THE ?%*&!**? DO YOU NEED WITH A CATALOGUE?????”

And what about keeping it on file? Do these people do that at home? Have they stored every piece of junk mail that they have ever been sent? Is their loft piled high with DIY catalogues and Donkey Sanctuary newsletters? Of course not. If you don’t need it, then just don’t ask for it.

The problem is that they’re just being polite. Asking for literature is the easiest and nicest way to get a sales person off of the phone without causing upset. At least that’s what they think. Now the inexperienced salesman will rub his hands together and proclaim that he’s just made a good sales call – they’ve asked for literature – he may as well put the deposit down on his new speedboat now.

The smarter, more experienced, or frankly just plain cynical sales person will know better. He has been brushed off – it happens. Do we dwell on it? No – we take a moment to analyse if there is anything which we might have done better and then we move on to the next call.

Good manners may be one thing, but there is no substitute for straightforward honesty. It may seem harsh, but it’s ultimately refreshing. I’m only asking if you’d like to consider working with me. If the answer is “no”, I won’t take it personally, especially if it’s because you don’t buy merchandise anyway.

So just give me a hearty “thanks but no thanks”. You don’t need my catalogue – you’re never going to read it and the “file” you speak of is currently sat under your desk, currently housing 2 empty plastic cups and a banana skin. And I have just one question for you – if you don’t buy merchandise, how do you market yourselves and how has it been working for you so far?”

There are plenty of people out there who genuinely have no need for promotional merchandise. Don’t feel bad for them – it’s Christmas – give them some soup.

This is the last blog of 2008. I’d like to thank you for reading, and for those of you who have left comments too. Please tell your friends and associates about this blog – I love writing it and plan to keep on doing so. One final reminder to please sponsor me in the London Marathon – the link is on the right hand side of the page.

Happy Holidays.

A sneak preview into your next marketing meeting...

Here is the agenda for your next marketing meeting:

Item 1 – We haven’t got any money for marketing
Item 2 – Please refer to item 1

See? And you were planning on taking up valuable minutes of your day to have a meeting. Look at the time you’ve saved!

In the last week alone, I have spoken with countless companies who seem to have had this very meeting. They get a lot of really good ideas together, phone around for quotes, organise samples, negotiate better prices and then WHAM! They get told by their bosses that there is no money to be spent on marketing.

Is that going to happen in your next meeting? Are you asking for quotes right now, safe in the knowledge that you are actually allowed to buy anything at all? I don’t want to sound bitter, but I am, so that’s how it’s going to come across.

Here’s a scenario for you. What if I told you that if you spent £5000 with me today, that I could turn it in to £25,000 within 2 months and what’s more, if I didn’t, I would give you all of your money back? Now remember, you’ve just been told that you have NO money to spend on marketing. Do you think that £5000 might just magically appear from somewhere? You bet it would.

Now wind things back a little bit. I don’t have a magical means of turning that £5000 into £25000. Or do I? You see before all this credit crunch, monster munch, lordy help me please nonsense hit, people all over the world believed in marketing. They spent money to increase their company’s exposure. They couldn’t necessarily show you a spreadsheet pointing to how their marketing spend had been converted into revenue, but they knew that it had.

So why did they stop believing? Fear – that’s why. People lose faith in all sorts of things for all sorts of reasons, and then as soon as everything is alright again, that faith is restored. Funny thing though – that thing you stopped believing in didn’t go away just because you stopped believing.

It’s a bit like the fairies in Peter Pan. For those of you not familiar (oh don’t act like you don’t know) if you stop believing in fairies, they die. It’s slightly different in business – if you stop believing in marketing, YOU die.

Marketing yourselves properly now is more vital than ever. I read some good advice this week that I would like to share with you. Don't think of words like "advertising" or "marketing" - those have negative feelings attached to them. Think instead of words like "increased exposure", "greater market share", or "more profits". Now that I have given you that warm fuzzy feeling, go and find me that £5000 we were talking about!

Food for thought, but then so is salmon.

Coffee - the prelude to everything

Coffee - it means so much to so many people. For me, it's the start to my working day. Sure, mine only comes out of a vending machine in a plastic cup and has all the sole of a Westlife album, but without it my day simply could not begin.

To the French, a natural accompaniment to their morning croissant. To the Dutch, it's the other drug that you get in Coffee Shops. Where would ante natal groups congregate if it weren't for their local Starbucks? Seriously, have you seen how many buggies they can cram into a single store? My wife and son attend there on a weekly basis - they go there more than church, which is really not all that difficult given that we're Jewish.

What third date has ever ended with "Do you fancy coming in for a snog?" and how many meetings with clients have been set up with an invitation to buy that client a cup of coffee over which they might chat?

Coffee is so much more than a beverage. It's a euphemism, it's an excuse, it's a motivator, a crowd pleaser, a way of life. Even those sad people who tone it down to decaf still "use" coffee.

Ultimately, coffee is a tool, and what makes it unique is that almost no one uses this tool incorrectly. Think of every other tool at your disposal - have they always worked exactly the way you wanted them to 100% of the time? Of course not. Coffee isn't like that - whatever you need it to do, it will do it. It's the Harry Potter of business tools and yet it's so easily taken for granted.

Is the same true of your marketing effort? Do the people in your business just expect gifts and advertising and literature to magic themselves out of thin air and present themselves to your clients without a second thought?

Ask the majority of marketeers and they'll tell you that the answer is yes. They feel woefully under-appreciated and yet without their sterling effort, business may well ground to a halt.

However, armed with this vital piece of knowledge, companies still consider marketing budget to be the first thing they cut when times are tight. THIS IS WRONG! When times are tight, my customers are going to spend less - I get that, but they are going to spend, and they're going to make a real point of shopping around for the best deals. Now if your competitors are climbing the nearest bell tower and shouting about their deals more than you, where exactly do you think that customer is going to go?

And what about when times aren't tight any more? When the small time thinkers have closed their doors there'll be a massive pool of potential clients out there looking for someone to help them, and chances are they'll go to the people who market themselves properly.

You've cut the budgets. OK, we get that, but don't let that mean that you end up buying nothing. Just make sure that you align yourselves with a company that will help you buy wisely - and there's no prizes for guessing who that might be!

This week, my colleague Sophia wanted a mention. That was it.