STOP BEING SO F*&!*NG POLITE!

I’m a salesman. It’s what I do. When I’m not writing blogs or coming up with new ideas for my clients, I am on the telephone, trying my best to introduce Merchandise Mania to as many new clients as I can.

Now don’t get me wrong, if I had so many briefs to fill that I didn’t get a moment to myself, then new business development would be the first thing I would drop. As much as I love cold calling – and strangely enough, I really do, our first priority here is to give a top flight service to our customers, and that is never going to change.

Sadly for me, I don’t have an endless stream of briefs on which to work. In the current economic climate I’m getting more and more excited about selling pens. ME! And you know how I feel about pens. If you don’t please refer to some of the earlier blogs here or buy a copy of my latest book “Pens – What’s The Big Fricking Deal?” available from all imaginary bookshops.

And so it is that I return the world of cold calling. Now as I have said, I actually enjoy it. There’s a certain joy to striking up a rapport with a complete stranger over the telephone, using nothing but your wits to guide them round to your way of thinking. Naturally, it’s fun when it works out that way, and the potential for the next call to be just the one you want slightly takes the edge off of the 20 previous people who told you that they were not interested.

But then you get the polite ones. Oh no, I’m not talking about the ones who say “thank you” right after they’ve told you to go away. No. There’s a breed of people much, MUCH worse than that. A group so malevolent that there are still some nights that I wake up screaming. Vietnam was nothing compared to having to deal with this lot – they are pure, crystallised evil, and they may well be working right next to you. (Hey, wouldn’t it have been cool if some spooky music had come on just as you’d started reading that bit? I mean, it would be extra spooky because how would it know when to start? I don’t know how fast a reader you are do I? Still, it would have been cool.)

How can you spot them? It’s easy. Their response to a cold call goes something like this – “Well we don’t buy any merchandise but if you’d like to send me a catalogue we’ll keep it on file.” AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! That’s worse than dropping the G in “morning” (see the blog from 3 weeks ago).

These people mean well – they do, but they are MORONS! It costs me money to print my catalogue. It costs me money to store my catalogue and it costs me money to send my catalogue out. You have just told me that you DON’T buy merchandise which begs the almost obvious question that everyone reading this must now be shouting at their screen…..”WHAT THE ?%*&!**? DO YOU NEED WITH A CATALOGUE?????”

And what about keeping it on file? Do these people do that at home? Have they stored every piece of junk mail that they have ever been sent? Is their loft piled high with DIY catalogues and Donkey Sanctuary newsletters? Of course not. If you don’t need it, then just don’t ask for it.

The problem is that they’re just being polite. Asking for literature is the easiest and nicest way to get a sales person off of the phone without causing upset. At least that’s what they think. Now the inexperienced salesman will rub his hands together and proclaim that he’s just made a good sales call – they’ve asked for literature – he may as well put the deposit down on his new speedboat now.

The smarter, more experienced, or frankly just plain cynical sales person will know better. He has been brushed off – it happens. Do we dwell on it? No – we take a moment to analyse if there is anything which we might have done better and then we move on to the next call.

Good manners may be one thing, but there is no substitute for straightforward honesty. It may seem harsh, but it’s ultimately refreshing. I’m only asking if you’d like to consider working with me. If the answer is “no”, I won’t take it personally, especially if it’s because you don’t buy merchandise anyway.

So just give me a hearty “thanks but no thanks”. You don’t need my catalogue – you’re never going to read it and the “file” you speak of is currently sat under your desk, currently housing 2 empty plastic cups and a banana skin. And I have just one question for you – if you don’t buy merchandise, how do you market yourselves and how has it been working for you so far?”

There are plenty of people out there who genuinely have no need for promotional merchandise. Don’t feel bad for them – it’s Christmas – give them some soup.

This is the last blog of 2008. I’d like to thank you for reading, and for those of you who have left comments too. Please tell your friends and associates about this blog – I love writing it and plan to keep on doing so. One final reminder to please sponsor me in the London Marathon – the link is on the right hand side of the page.

Happy Holidays.