Can I borrow your crystal ball please?

Does this phone call sound familiar?

You: “Hello, I’m selling stuff and I’d like to see if you have any requirements for the stuff I am selling”

Them: “No thanks, we already have everything we need for the next 12 months”

OK. Firstly, if your sales pitch really is that crap, you really need to consider either investing in some training or entering an entirely new line of work. I mean I’m not here to offer you career advice but have you ever considered the true joy that comes with selling hamburgers? Of course I’m paraphrasing - it’s the response on the part of the prospect that’s important here.

Everything they need for the next 12 months? Seriously? If you think about it, that really is incredible. This company has worked out, in incredible detail, everything that is going to happen in their business for the next whole year. Their bank manager must love them - “Here you go Mr Bank, here are our accounts for the next year. We haven’t actually started the year yet, but by jingo we just love to plan”.

How long would a planning meeting like that take anyway? I’m guessing about a year. The point is that no one can predict what’s going to happen in the next 3 months, let alone the next 12. Sure we can simplify; if we know which trade shows and exhibitions we’re taking a stand at we can plan for how much merchandise we’ll need, but even then there’s a flaw in the logic. That trade show can go much better or worse than expected. Assuming it goes better, you’re going to run out of merchandise much faster than you’d planned for and then what? You’re going to have to call your supplier and see if he or she can get you something in a hurry, and we all know what a nightmare than can become.

Planning is key, we know that, but if you don’t factor in a contingency plan then you really haven’t planned at all. Is anyone really so arrogant as to suggest that they’ve never been surprised in business - either pleasantly or unpleasantly? I can’t tell you the number of times people have called Merchandise Mania because they were running low on stock and had a show coming up. They bought the original stock months in advance - they had a calendar of events and they were ready for anything, but then their last show was an unprecedented success and they’d decided to exhibit at a new show because they got a great last minute deal. It happens, and the truth is that is happens much more than people realise.

There’s a phrase that really winds me up when I see it on movie posters or in advertising campaigns - Expect the Unexpected. You can’t. It’s impossible. As soon as you expect it, it’s no longer unexpected is it? See? ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH it just makes me mad. However, if I take a deep breath I have to tell you that you should expect to be surprised. You should expect to see gains and losses that nobody in your team could have predicted and most importantly, you should expect to be ready for such things when they happen.

How can we help you with this? Well the obvious answer is to suggest that you stop telling people that you’re sorted for the next 12 months - you’re not. Nobody is, so just accept it. The second is to consider probing a little deeper into your buying habits. If you bought 1000 pens in January, another 1000 in April and you’re now looking again, it’s fairly obvious that you’re going to get through somewhere between 5 and 6000 by the end of the year. Have you asked about the unit cost of 5000 as opposed to 1000? It may surprise you, and those savings could be put to even greater marketing effect.

As always, we’re here to help. I know it might seem like we’re just trying to get you to buy more stuff but our motivation is actually elsewhere, and there are two main schools of thought. The first is that we want to help you market your company as effectively and as efficiently as possible. We are professional consultants, not sales people, and we take pride in our work. The second is that buying merchandise is a pain, so the more we can automate your marketing, the more time we have to focus on the truly important things in life, which I can’t imagine includes buying pens.

Enjoy your week.

Exhibition Eye Candy.......Pass.

I’m just on my way back from a tradeshow, making sure first that I sat at the end of the train so that no one would think I was showing off by using a laptop. It seems strange that we live in a world where mobile productivity should be shunned in some way, but that’s just the way things are and this is not a blog for social commentary.

Anyway, let’s talk about this tradeshow, and how it inspired the content of this week’s blog.

One of the stands (I don’t know what they do, and this is important) had a lovely selection of pretty young girls wearing way too much makeup and not enough skirt. I mean I say skirt, but I think shoelace would have been a more accurate description. Now please don’t think of me as a prude - I love looking at pretty young girls as much as the next married man, the problem is that from a marketing perspective, these girls were a waste of money.

As I walk passed the stand I am instantly confronted. “Hello, would you like to enter our competition to win a new iPod Nano or a Sat Nav system?” No. No I would not. I already have both of those things and they work perfectly well thank you. And before you chime in with suggestions like, “What about as a gift for your wife”, I gave her an iPod Nano on our wedding day and her car came with the offer of a free Tom Tom and she took it, so ner.

So where are we left? The person working on the stand has made me an offer that I can refuse. I’m dealing with them from a negative perspective but to make matters worse, I still have absolutely no idea what the company does. Worse still - and just how much worse can it get - I’m betting that the pretty girl in the shoelace skirt has no idea what the company does either. What would she have done if I’d asked? The mind boggles.

So let’s see exactly where we are when we link marketing effort to marketing success. The company has paid for a group of pretty girls for a three day event - now that could not have been cheap. They’ve paid for the stand - fairly expensive, and of course there are the hidden expenses of time out of the office, transport, accommodation and so on - it all adds up. Oh, and let’s not forget the iPod and the SatNav - that’s a couple of hundred more quid to lay out.

And the return on their investment from me as a potential customer. Nothing. Nada. A Big Fat Zero.

You have to ask yourself what sort of customer they think a pretty girl can attract. Do they want decision makers with genuine needs for their products talking to their sales force, or a bunch of perverts dribbling into their shoes whilst they pretend to be interested in a product that they don’t now or are ever likely to need?

I don’t want to put the pretty girl agencies out of business, but are they really doing your stand any good? Give me an educated, albeit slightly less attractive member of your sales force over a life sized Barbie Doll any day of the week. I’m here to do business. If I want to talk to pretty, half naked ladies who pretend to be interested in what I have to say, then I understand that there are certain clubs that I can go to.

Now let's see if we can't end on a positive note this week. I know, how about a big, juicy giveaway? An offer so special that the mere thought of it will make your eyes water and your heart leap. OK - slightly oversold it. This week, order 500 or more 1Gb USB drives from our selection and we will double the memory.....FOR FREE! That's right folks - you're looking at a 2Gb memory stick with full colour printing for only £5.99. BUT WAIT - THERE'S MORE. "Surely not Paul," you exclaim, "I'm not sure my loins can take it!". Well they'd better, because we're going to include origination, carriage and up to 100Mb of data uploaded, completely free of charge!

Do I look after you my favourite customer? You bet I do.

This offer is available until the 26th of June. Terms and Conditions apply. The position of a yoyo may fall as well as rise. Your home is at risk if you go on holiday and leave all the windows open. Merchandise Mania is a production of the Children's Television Workshop. Nobody ever reads disclaimers, that's why I can write all this drivel without fear that anyone will have read beyond the words Terms and Conditions apply - no, not this one, the first one. Of course if you are still here than well done - I admire your committment to detail. I'm going to get myself some more coffee and settle in to my day. Hope you enjoy yours. Post a comment if you like - so few do, it makes me wonder if anyone is really reading any of this at all. I mean it's no Harry Potter, but I still think it's a good read.

Mind Your Ps and Qs

For the longest time, I’ve believed that there were essentially two types of promotional gift. Of course I know that there are actually over a million items, but each one of them can fall into one of two camps – a “please” gift and a “thank you” gift.

They’re very easy to spot. This first item is a “please” gift. By including a telephone number or website, what we’re actually saying to the recipient is PLEASE give us your business – here’s all of my contact information so PLEASE get in touch. Now you can get down on bended knee when you give someone that special stress ball, but I’m not here to tell you how to live your life.

Then we come on to the “thank you” gift. Here the branding is more subtle. It may simply be the company’s logo. Such gifts may be saying THANK YOU for a job well done my trusted employee or THANK YOU for your recent order Mr or Mrs Customer – here is a token of my gratitude. Once again, bended knee is optional.

See? Simple isn’t it. Over one million items broken down in three paragraphs. You’re welcome.

HOLD ON!!!!!

Yeah right, like I can make a succinct point! Surely a thank you is actually a please in disguise isn’t it? Think about it – you’re at a trade show and you hand a visitor a gift because he’s told you a lot about his business and you see an opportunity there. You’re not letting him leave with a 20p pen – you’ve pulled out the big guns on this one. So what are you saying? “Thank you for coming by” with no subtext at all? Don’t be ridiculous. You’re saying “Thank you for coming by and I hope that we can do some business together”. Sure, you didn’t ask for it directly, but does a serious buyer really expect you to just give him gifts out of the goodness of your heart?

It’s no secret that sales are borne out of relationships. Without rapport, you’re probably nowhere. I don’t care what you’re selling or who you’re selling it to – if that customer doesn’t buy into you as a person, you’ve got a serious mountain to climb.

Gifts can break down barriers. They’re a subtle way of asking for the business whilst at the same time making the customer appreciate you and what you can do for them. So perhaps it’s time that we break down the wall between “please” gifts and “thank you” gifts and realise that they’re both doing the exact same job. Showing appreciation yields its own rewards – trust me. Go out there and thank someone for giving you information, for agreeing to meet you, for taking the time to visit your stand at a trade show. If you show them gratitude, you’ll make them feel good, and then guess what happens? They’ll want to do it again. It’s like a drug and it’s easy to get hooked. Keep showing small gestures of appreciation for every little thing and then eventually you’ll be thanking them for a really good order.

A good sales person will always ask for the business, but how much better are they when they already have a sneaking suspicion that the answer is yes?

Man vs Machine

Does this call sound familiar?

Caller: “Hello, can I speak with John please?”

You: “I’m sorry, but John is on a call right now – can I put you through to his voice mail? I’m sure he won’t be very long”

Caller: “No, could you just ask him to give me a call please?”

At which point you’ll have to open up an email window (assuming that you’re super efficient), bring up John’s name from the contact list, and take down all of the details. Then you hang up, click send, and go on about your merry day.

OR DO YOU????????

This caller has made one stupid mistake. They have assumed that you are a good message taker. They have assumed that there is absolutely nothing that is going to distract you between the time they leave their details and the 2 milliseconds it will take to give John the message. They’ve assumed that the pleasant disposition that you’ve just demonstrated on the phone is in fact genuine, whereas the truth is that you’ve just lost a massive order, been shouted at by your boss and all on the same day that you chose to quit smoking.

They have also assumed – and here’s the real kicker – that John doesn’t listen to his voice mail.

I get that there are people in the world who don’t like leaving messages on machines. They don’t trust them. They think that whilst their voice is being recorded via a digital medium, that weird and tiny Weetabix shaped aliens are stealing their thoughts in a diabolical plot to take over the world, starting somewhere just outside Cornwall and moving slowly East.

These people are obviously morons.

Seriously, what is the problem with voice mail? A message is a message in any form. If I don’t return your phone call, don’t take it personally – it just means that I didn’t want to speak with you. That may sound a little harsh but the fact is that if I have no business to give you, there’s very little point in my calling you back. Idle chit chat is lovely, but in the current climate, do you seriously have time for it? I need to spend as much time as possible on the phone talking with clients who are actually in a position to give me business. I like a laugh and a joke as much as most, if not more, but we all of us need to be doing all we can to get more business.

But let me simplify things for you. If you are someone who has got a reputation for not returning phone calls – address it. Email the caller to acknowledge that they’ve called but that you simply have nothing for them right now. A polite rejection is so much nicer than just being ignored.

If you don’t ever listen to your voice mail, switch it off, or change the message to let people know that you will not be listening to their message and that they are better off calling you at another time. It’s not rude, it’s honest – and there is a world of difference.

If neither of those options appeal, why not doing something a little crazy and actually call the person back? They’ve taken time out of their day to think about you enough to want to share something with you, so don’t you owe them the same courtesy?

The simple steps will ensure that no foul tempered colleague marches up to your desk, slaps a post it note across your forehead and declares at the top of their lungs, “I’M NOT YOUR BLOODY SECRETARY!!!!”

Just another step towards a happier, productive workplace. Oh look – someone’s just left me a voice mail – see you next week.