Exhibition Eye Candy.......Pass.

I’m just on my way back from a tradeshow, making sure first that I sat at the end of the train so that no one would think I was showing off by using a laptop. It seems strange that we live in a world where mobile productivity should be shunned in some way, but that’s just the way things are and this is not a blog for social commentary.

Anyway, let’s talk about this tradeshow, and how it inspired the content of this week’s blog.

One of the stands (I don’t know what they do, and this is important) had a lovely selection of pretty young girls wearing way too much makeup and not enough skirt. I mean I say skirt, but I think shoelace would have been a more accurate description. Now please don’t think of me as a prude - I love looking at pretty young girls as much as the next married man, the problem is that from a marketing perspective, these girls were a waste of money.

As I walk passed the stand I am instantly confronted. “Hello, would you like to enter our competition to win a new iPod Nano or a Sat Nav system?” No. No I would not. I already have both of those things and they work perfectly well thank you. And before you chime in with suggestions like, “What about as a gift for your wife”, I gave her an iPod Nano on our wedding day and her car came with the offer of a free Tom Tom and she took it, so ner.

So where are we left? The person working on the stand has made me an offer that I can refuse. I’m dealing with them from a negative perspective but to make matters worse, I still have absolutely no idea what the company does. Worse still - and just how much worse can it get - I’m betting that the pretty girl in the shoelace skirt has no idea what the company does either. What would she have done if I’d asked? The mind boggles.

So let’s see exactly where we are when we link marketing effort to marketing success. The company has paid for a group of pretty girls for a three day event - now that could not have been cheap. They’ve paid for the stand - fairly expensive, and of course there are the hidden expenses of time out of the office, transport, accommodation and so on - it all adds up. Oh, and let’s not forget the iPod and the SatNav - that’s a couple of hundred more quid to lay out.

And the return on their investment from me as a potential customer. Nothing. Nada. A Big Fat Zero.

You have to ask yourself what sort of customer they think a pretty girl can attract. Do they want decision makers with genuine needs for their products talking to their sales force, or a bunch of perverts dribbling into their shoes whilst they pretend to be interested in a product that they don’t now or are ever likely to need?

I don’t want to put the pretty girl agencies out of business, but are they really doing your stand any good? Give me an educated, albeit slightly less attractive member of your sales force over a life sized Barbie Doll any day of the week. I’m here to do business. If I want to talk to pretty, half naked ladies who pretend to be interested in what I have to say, then I understand that there are certain clubs that I can go to.

Now let's see if we can't end on a positive note this week. I know, how about a big, juicy giveaway? An offer so special that the mere thought of it will make your eyes water and your heart leap. OK - slightly oversold it. This week, order 500 or more 1Gb USB drives from our selection and we will double the memory.....FOR FREE! That's right folks - you're looking at a 2Gb memory stick with full colour printing for only £5.99. BUT WAIT - THERE'S MORE. "Surely not Paul," you exclaim, "I'm not sure my loins can take it!". Well they'd better, because we're going to include origination, carriage and up to 100Mb of data uploaded, completely free of charge!

Do I look after you my favourite customer? You bet I do.

This offer is available until the 26th of June. Terms and Conditions apply. The position of a yoyo may fall as well as rise. Your home is at risk if you go on holiday and leave all the windows open. Merchandise Mania is a production of the Children's Television Workshop. Nobody ever reads disclaimers, that's why I can write all this drivel without fear that anyone will have read beyond the words Terms and Conditions apply - no, not this one, the first one. Of course if you are still here than well done - I admire your committment to detail. I'm going to get myself some more coffee and settle in to my day. Hope you enjoy yours. Post a comment if you like - so few do, it makes me wonder if anyone is really reading any of this at all. I mean it's no Harry Potter, but I still think it's a good read.